A Hikkikomori StopGap

Hikikomori Media Reviews “Mother Fucked Up”

Download now or preview on posterous Hikikomori_Media_by_ ().pdf (70 KB)

This isn’t a catch all thread for every review I’m going to make about Hikikomori related media but is instead based on a set a user by the name of “…” has collected in this topic (requires registration)

Basically the document above is the OP thread minus the replies…

I actually didn’t plan to tackle this till later since at the time, not only did the list look scary, but every entry seemed like it was worthy enough of it’s own blog article.

…Then I got sidetracked by pasting the contents of that topic here.

The situation above made me angry with myself because I’m not even finding the motivation to properly re-format the links to make it easier for Hikikomoris to browse through the selection.

…Then I drank coffee.

I spotted one video where the definition said it was a Filipino docudrama which peaked my interest because I’m a Filipino.

Turns out it wasn’t…

…Then I procrastinated

The reality was that I was in burn-out mode already and the poor quality of the video (to me) didn’t help things…

Downloading the torrent for Ebola Syndrome (NSFW) that didn’t contain any English sub really really really didn’t help things at all…

Edit: Above title has nothing to do with this topic. It’s just some movie I planned to watch at the time. I don’t recommend searching for it. It’s a well known HK Cat III movie known for it’s sexual and disgusting scenes. —- Haven’t watched the movie yet as of this edit though.

Edit #2: Nevermind, finished watching it and the gore is nothing special. Go ahead and watch it if you’re into cult films with some nudity. Meanwhile, I’m just going to grab the courage to watch Eden Lake as the initial scene scared me to the point of closing the media player.

…Then the coffee took over.

The whole thing pretty much ruined my procrastination and I ended up with nothing specific to do.

At this point, I really should have focused on something else like playing my recent downloaded isos of PlaneScape Torment (which I deleted) or re-downloading The Witcher and trying to make it work on my PC (because I also deleted the files after the installer hanged after I mounted the 2nd iso on daemontools) but…FUCK! I’ve already written a review and if I’m going to type under the influence of coffee, it might as well be with images squiggling by my face between each text.

Note: My reviews are based on what these medias add to one’s understanding of Hikikomoris so things like this video while “…” defines as hypnotic and moving doesn’t hold any value to me because it’s just an animation of a guy stumbling around or this self-help video where it’s supposed to help anxiety because it’s supposed to simulate a person staring at the Hikikomori back just seems like this was some stingy guy’s idea of marketing something out of nothing because he doesn’t really know anything about us Hikikomoris and couldn’t pull off a “blinking eyes” ren’ai that appeals to his target audience.

(That said, I have no idea if the latter video was directed purely at Hikikomoris but to take a joke comment under that video too far - the only plus side was the larger breasts.

There are more effortful ways to create an illusion of a living silent beauty being interested in you like Magibon did.)

Summarized List of Recommendations: (click on links for reviews)

* BBC Cram School Hikikomori.
* Segment on Hikikomori and New Start.
* Francesco Jodie Documentary (Link included in the above PDF not working)
* The Missing Million
* Cat Street
* Shut In: Japan Below the Surface

Update:

Since the original post was too long for Posterous and it got cut off, all of the non-notable reviews are now located here: http://sqworl.com/a7mrge

If you just want to head straight for the Google Doc post (which contain only reviews), click here.

I don’t recommend it though. I got problems viewing that shared folder using IronPortable. (Plus some of the reviews contain only one line of text or paragraph, you’re better off using the sqworl url.)

Update #2:

Fuck! Screw this.

Even the shorter version got sliced off.

Just use the sqworl link provided above in conjunction with the google doc links in the summarized list.

What I didn’t review:

A rough for a student animation (UK). (No sound)

This video has been removed by the user.

Chaos;Head (non-review)

Hikikomori - Recluso social.

I don’t speak Spanish.

Biography and profile of a hiki in his late 30’s. (Japanese, no subs)

Portrait, brief interview with hiki (Japanese)

I don’t speak Japanese.

Loner (2008) (non-review)

Tamago

Couldn’t find a torrent for this movie: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0436816/

Hikikomori: Tokyo Plastic

Another film I couldn’t find any torrent for: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0431804/

Tobira no Muko (Left Handed)

Couldn’t find it anywhere except for a trailer movie of this:

http://www.imdb.com/video/wab/vi2211578649/

“…”-’s link leads to the story synopsis section for the movie: http://www.tobiranomuko.com/story.html

Hmm… apparently he/she might not know the two links are related:

NEW Tobira no Muko AKA Left Handed. 2009. Hiroshi, a disaffected teenage boy, is struggling at school and one day shuts himself away in his bedroom. For the next two years he refuses to come out or let anyone else in. Hiroshi’s parents are so ashamed by what has happened that they attempt to conceal his condition from friends and family. Inevitably, the household disintegrates. (Japanese, English Subs)

The Attic

It’s a play so I have no access to it.

Posted via email from A Hikikomori StopGap | Comment »

Copy-Paste: Ways to Spot Talking Brick Walls

P.S. My drafts aren’t going so well and since it’s been a while since I posted anything, this is just another filler to occupy this blog for awhile.

Note that I’m not going to copy-paste the whole article so click the source here if you want the full article.

Futility:

“You make a statement and it will be turned around.”

Example:

“You forgot my birthday.”

(cries) “You are right. I should have put all this pain aside and focused on your birthday! …sorry.”

Tip:

Even as you are hearing the words you get the creeped out sensation that they really do NOT mean they are sorry at all - but since they’ve said the words you’re pretty much left with nothing more to say. Either that or you suddenly find yourself babysitting their angst!! Under all circumstances if you feel this angle is being played - don’t capitulate! Do not care take - do not accept an apology that feels like bullshit. If it feels like bullshit - it probably is. Rule number one - if dealing with an emotional blackmailer TRUST your gut. TRUST your senses. Once an emotional manipulator finds a successful maneuver - it’s added to their hit list and you’ll be fed a steady diet of this shit.

Note: Source example felt too long winded to be realistic so I removed some parts.

Reciprocation:

“If you ask them to do something they will almost always agree - that is IF they didn’t volunteer to do it first.”

Tip:

If an emotional manipulator said YES - make them accountable for it. Do NOT buy into the sighs and subtleties - if they don’t want to do it - make them tell you it up front - or just put on the walk-man headphones and run a bath and leave them to their theater.

Note: Anyone who has interacted with online trolls know that it’s generally a bad idea to try confronting a manipulator up front (unless you have most of the cards on your side) so I do feel that this is bad advise but it is what’s written in the article.

I’m sure some of you might point out that this isn’t directed at trolls and I don’t want to prolong this article since it is just a placeholder that doesn’t require any of my opinion to stand by itself so I’m going to stop at “I feel this is bad advise”.

Putting words in people’s mouths:

#1

”If you find yourself in a relationship where you figure you should start keeping a log of what’s been said because you are beginning to question your own sanity —You are experiencing emotional manipulation.”

#2

“They can lie so smoothly that you can sit looking at black and they’ll call it white - and argue so persuasively that you begin to doubt your very senses.”

#3

“Over a period of time this is so insidious and eroding it can literally alter your sense of reality.”

Tip:

Keep a log of the words that have been said.

Note: …but don’t turn into this

Guilt Licker:

“Most of us are pretty conditioned to do whatever is necessary to reduce our feelings of guilt.” - An emotional manipulator is a great victim.

“They inspire a profound sense of needing to support, care for and nurture. Emotional Manipulators seldom fight their own fights or do their own dirty work. The crazy thing is that when you do it for them (which they will never ask directly for), they may just turn around and say they certainly didn’t want or expect you to do anything!”

Tip:

Try to make a point of not fighting other people’s battles, or doing their dirty work for them.

It’s All My Fault. T_T Me! Me! Me! Always Me!!!:

“If you call them on this behavior they will likely become deeply wounded or very petulant and call you selfish - or claim that it is you who are always in the spotlight. The thing is that even tho you know this is not the case you are left with the impossible task of proving it. Don’t bother - TRUST your gut and walk away!”

It’s ALL YOUR Fault!:

The scam of hook-you-in-and-make-you-sorry-for-me: Initially you may perceive this type of person as very sensitive, emotionally open and maybe a little vulnerable. Believe me when I say that an emotional manipulator is about as vulnerable as a rabid pit bull, and there will always be a problem or a crisis to overcome.

The End

Posted via email from A Hikikomori StopGap | Comment »

Copy-Paste: Ways to Spot Talking Brick Walls

Looks like the Tumblr downtime didn’t allow for Posterous’ Autoposting to work so here’s the link.

How to Make a Great First Impression

I feel most of the content is overstated common sense that doesn’t really work but here are some of the contents in the link that’s worth noting:

Act as if you are meeting a good friend

Ignoring the details as often people tend to stretch this advise to the point of being useless but if you’re anxious, the advise is beyond sound. It’s a fundamental of good communication. Just remember that “good” friend here is a hyperbole in case you’re also nervous around most of your friends.

Mentally rehearse before you even enter the room

Again, mostly fluff if extended beyond these words. Non-anxious people might not encounter this problem much but it’s highly possible to become addicted to mental rehearsals.

Hell, it got so bad for me that I tend to have the compulsive action of verbally talking to myself out loud. (although I don’t exactly shout the conversations out…)

On the plus side, the author did share this more useful link: http://www.positivityblog.com/index.php/2006/11/05/do-you-make-these-10-mistakes-in-a-conversation/

Finally the two other fundamental things that are understated by generic advise blogs are:

If all else fails, mimic a person’s body language.

I say if all else fails because even though some blogs advise these, you can easily go overload on this and literally copy a person and that just looks awkward.

Also how does anyone expect a guy to mimic a girl’s body language? That’s asking for expert level subtlety and mass amounts of coming off as strange.

The important clues are mainly position, cues, pitch and phrasings.

Of course, I’m often the opposite in that both online and offline, I’m often accused of being a poor if not vague speaker. No excuses here. I just recommend you try these stuff for yourself.

Position is simply a case where if a person slightly leans back, you slightly lean back when talking to them in the same direction. (This means you’re not actually on the same side when talking to each other.)

Cues are minor gestures. It’s not about going out of your way to copy these but if you can gather a short set of actions from a talk, as long as you don’t overdo it, you’re going to score a more natural feel than if you relied on your own individual gestures unless you happen to match up well with a person or are good at making an impression to begin with. Hell, underdo it if you want. The key isn’t to copy it but to lower enough new bits around each other that your receiver becomes more relaxed when talking to you.

Pitch is basically voice level. This is why it can be very easy to talk to absolutely complete and neutral strangers because often times you have the same pitch due to both of you being anxious when talking to each other. This is also why you can literally agree and say a simple “Yeah!” or “You’re right.” to a topic you’re literally interested in and the receiver will react positively to it but you try constantly doing that to an authority figure and you come off as a sycophant.

Phrasings may seem like the most important bit but it’s really the least. This is because this is so often used nowadays that really the impact is akin to saying Lol when you didn’t used to because you know your audience would not only get it but it won’t come off as stupid.

Ultimately though, the ultimate advise is to follow this bit:

Never go into panic mode even if you’re in panic mode.

The thing that is often understated by good speakers because they’re good speakers and bad speakers who learn how to be good speakers from instructions is that a bad conversation going into panic mode is far more detrimental than a good conversation going bad.

It’s not that they don’t mention this. Take this article. It advises something like “Don’t think too much” or “What you say isn’t important” that seems like great reminders in theory but are absolutely horrible and common sense in practice.

The reality from my experiences is that I have almost often gotten away with any bad or boring conversation and redeemed it with a normal one. This is because until I go into panic mode, I’m not over-stretching and prolonging the already bad incident.

Of course, anytime you try to make a stand, you’re bound to need to do this (if you want to come away with an impression”) but that’s a different issue altogether because more times than not, from an anxious speaker PoV, you’re not reaching to most people in that level. Especially not for first impressions.

So always keep in tight and ride the bad impression always and even if you don’t apply the rest of the advises — as long as you never go into panic mode — you’ll never come off overtly cocky, fake, hyper weird, strange to the nth zone, etc. especially in the long run which is where it counts the most.

Of course, like I previously stated, remember that I constantly break these rules even the last one so you can’t afford to take my word for it if you need these advises.

At the same time, the last one is also the same scenario that allows me to break all these rules. There comes a point where having lots of bad conversations is better than even a good conversation (unless you have something you really need to have done) because then you don’t really need to think so much of preventing panic mode but rather you just develop the conviction to have enough ice in your veins that you retain a bit more of who you are truly about. Pros and Cons.

In a way this is also what separates tatemae from being a mask but not exactly. (Tatemae is more of a conscious “flash” decision while learning how to communicate decently is more of a conscious then unconscious habit.)

Great post Tina!

But be careful with this one:

Say what you mean. Mean what you say.

I think it’s a bit dangerous to believe that saying precisely what we mean will help us to get rid of guilt.

Let’s imagine someone is asking for a favor and that we don’t want to do it.

We can stop there. Here’s the source of the guilt. No matter what we say or do beyond this point we will feel guilty for not wanting to help out.

Saying exactly what we mean will not help, because what we would really try to convey is that this person is not important to us. This is the real reason. It will do even more damage.

The purpose of the white lie “I’m just too busy” is actually to avoid making this person feel unimportant. IMO this is being considerate.

Your point is still important though because we mustn’t mistake our white lies for the truth. If we do that we lose the ability to deal with our guilt.

Because then we might say to ourselves that “it’s okay because I had so many important things to do.” But our brains will never accept that because it knows it’s not true. Plus it will punish us for lying to it by adding some more guilt. The bastard.

Avoidance, not answering emails and so on, is a direct consequence of not dealing with guilt.

The way to deal with it is to face it. To spell out the truth to yourself. In this case “this person wasn’t important enough for me to help, so I didn’t”, and then to practice self-forgiveness. We didn’t mean to do harm so it’s okay. Then let it go.

There’s a social angle here too. When someone asks us if we like their sweater, and we absolutely hate it, we can’t really say “No, I think it’s hideous.”

That wouldn’t be considerate, because what this person is really saying is “Please tell me you like my sweater.” Our opinions is not the point.

Even the sweater is beside the point. It’s rather “Please tell me you accept me the way I am”.

If we’re unable to say “I do accept you the way you are” (”Hey, you look great!”) then we are also unable to accept ourselves. The mind that thinks “that person looks hideous” will soon think “I look hideous”. The hand that points outwards also points inwards.

Okay, thanks for reading and thanks for sharing!

http://thinksimplenow.com/clarity/how-to-quiet-your-mind/#comment-48390

—

Tatemae and Honne can still be confusing.

I used to think it would be as simple as sharing the h2g2 article but even a guy who was on his way to getting his master thesis would misuse them:

Also, in the course of my interviews, the knowledge that I wouldn’t be using their real identities made the subjects more likely to answer with sincere honne rather than the more guarded tatemae that is prevalent in Japanese culture.

Source: http://towakudai.blogs.com/my_weblog/2004/11/the_pseudonym_g.html#tpe-action-posted-6a00d83423485f53ef0120a5ce73b7970c

P.S. My comment didn’t go through so my explanation for why I feel that usage was wrong didn’t appear.

Anyways, the reason I used that situation above (besides it being a recent occurence) is not so much to point that the person made a mistake. (After all I am neither an expert on both concepts and the post is old)

Rather, I wanted to show how when I read about the concept, it’s just one of those things that you don’t think about. It was like honesty in that once you hear about the concept once, it doesn’t matter if you can explain, prove and rationalize it — it was just something that makes sense in a universal manner. In fact in an older post elsewhere (not yet posted on this blog as of this date), I even tried to argue that honne was a superior concept to honesty.

Nevertheless, this might just come off as “hot air” because even when I could try to explain Honne/Tatemae with words, I would found that I wasn’t able to convince people enough that I really understood it.

To this, I would probably make the excuse that give me any abstract-like concept. Even honesty, and I’m probably the wrong speaker to defend and explain it’s validity towards a group of people who doesn’t believe in it.

(Coincidentally, I just saw Louis C.K. talking about a movie he is in: The Invention of Lying on Conan. Not really sure if it was a rerun or not. And no this is not a shill, I’m just pointing out the irony of me making that statement above.)

Anyways, this is why when I read this comment, I just thought: “Oh hey! I’ll just keep quoting tatemae/honne revelation like posts.” and this is why I’m posting this.

It’s a poor example because this person is talking about white lies and addressing his concepts in a more Westernly non-Hikkikomori fashion but it’s a good training at least for some of us Hikikomoris who still haven’t learned the concept of reading “beyond the words”.

In this case, it’s pretty close as the guy is talking about honesty and public presentation but look deeper and you can spot where he is adapting a more tatemae approach. (There isn’t one specific instance. It’s all interpretative.)

That said the point isn’t to say “Hey, this is what being tatemae is all about.” It’s more of an opportunity for people who don’t understand to hopefully get a glimpse of how it is and then hopefully that would be enough to fill the gaps in their mind to make the concepts dawn on them.

Roger Ebert’s Review of the Girlfriend Experience:

This film is true about human nature. It clearly sees needs and desires. It is not universal, but within its particular focus, it is unrelenting. Steven Soderbergh’s “The Girlfriend Experience” is about a prostitute and her clients. In such a relationship, the factor of money makes the motives fairly direct on both sides.

In the language of escort advertising, “GFE” promises a “girlfriend experience.” Sometimes sex may not even be involved, although it is implicitly permitted. A man seeking a girlfriend experience offers to pay for companionship, conversation — having another human being in his life. The women offering a GFE are acting a role, but in some ways, it can be therapeutic. We know what sexual surrogates do. A “girlfriend” may be playing a human surrogate.

The film involves a woman named Chelsea (Sasha Grey) and the men in her life. She has been living with one of them for 18 months, and in a way, he may be a boyfriend experience. He doesn’t seem much more meaningful to her than a client. The other men are of various ages and backgrounds, but they all have one thing in common: They are wealthy, and Chelsea is not inexpensive. Typically, they take her to an expensive restaurant and then a luxury hotel. They may send a limousine for her.

We listen to them talking. We watch them talking. Most of them want to talk about what she does for a living. There is the polite fiction that she is talking about other men, hypothetical men, and not the one she is with. They like to give her advice about how to invest her money, and who to vote for (the story takes place during the 2008 campaign). Each one has some reason for thinking he is somehow special. Set during the run-up to the stock market crash, it shows both sides more interested in investing than sex.

These men don’t want a girlfriend experience. They want a boyfriend experience. They want to feel as if they’re on a date. They will be listened to. Their amazing comments will be smiled at. Their hair will be tousled. They will be kidded. They have told Chelsea about their wives and children, and she remembers their names. They can kiss her. There is no illusion that they are leaving their wives, and none that she wants them to. She simply empowers them to feel younger, more looked up to, more clever, than they are.

What draws a powerful man to pay for a women outside of marriage? It’s not the sex. In fact, sex is the beard, if you know what I mean. By paying money for the excuse of sex, they don’t have to say: I am lonely. I am fearful. I am growing older. I am not loved. My wife is bored with me. I can’t talk to my children. I’m worried about my job, which means nothing to me. Above all, they are saying: Pretend you like me.

The film was written by Brian Koppelman and David Levien. Believe it or not, the same two wrote the screenplay for Soderbergh’s “Ocean’s Thirteen.” I imagine the three of them sitting around on the “Ocean’s” set and asking, “What could we be doing instead of this?”

Chelsea is played by Sasha Grey. She is 21. Since 2006, according to IMDb, she’s made 161 porn films, of which only the first title can be quoted here: “Sasha Grey Superslut.” No, here’s another, which makes me smile: “My First Porn #7.” I haven’t seen any of them, but now I would like to see one, watching very carefully, to see if she suggests more than one level.

Grey wasn’t hired because of her willingness to have sex onscreen; there’s no explicit sex in the movie and only fleeting nudity. I suspect Soderbergh cast her because of her mercenary approach to sex — and her acting talent, which may not be ready for Steppenwolf but is right for this film. She owns her own agency and Web site, manages other actresses, has a disconnect between herself and what she does for a living. So does Chelsea.

The film is intent on her face. It often looks over the shoulder of her clients. She projects precise amounts of interest and curiosity, but conceals real feelings. It is a transaction, and she is holding up her end. Notice the very small nods and shakes of her head. Observe her word choices as she sidesteps questions without refusing to answer them. When her roommate/boyfriend insists on knowing the name of one of her clients, she is adroit in her reply.

Once she allows her mask to slip: a surprising moment when she reveals what she may feel. Grey perfectly conveys both her hope and her disappointment, keeping both within boundaries. You wonder how a person could look another in the eye and conceal everything about themselves. But the financial traders who are her clients do it every day. Their business is not money, but making their clients feel better about themselves.

—

Direct LInk: http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20090520/REVIEWS/905209991

Haven’t seen the movie and have no plans seeing it but I heard about it before. The movie just doesn’t seem like one of those you can learn something beyond what you already know with the concept.

However after reading some of those Hikkis who seem obsessed with getting a girlfriend or those who stereotype any kind of loner as just a guy that needs to be laid, I thought this serves a bit of a different perspective from all the “guy dedicates his work to become a monk, a student4life, a gymrat, art and porn etc. etc. as this actually focuses on the relationship level with a girl (despite shunning her sexuality for something much more…”existentialist”?)

Really, I don’t know what that word means but I’ve been hearing it alot so I just put it out there. Main point though is to share something to those Hikkikomoris who resonate with this desire but do not quite fathom what the grass being green is all about.

From the perspective of a therapeutic idea, it might even inspire some to step away from the rental brother-sister idea a bit and into the less politically correct experiment of whether a geisha-client relationship could serve as a better “cure”. Not that I’ve done much thinking of this idea but I’m just throwing it out there.

Note: I don’t see Hikikomori as a disease so I quoted the word cure.