18 Apr 2010

How I recall meeting Preservative Woman and “…”

Google Alerts just recently linked me to a post made by either Chair/Pat Smith or a co-blogger in his HikiCulture blog:Preservative Woman: An Alter Ego of “…” of Hikikomori Forum?

Personally I didn’t want to reply to the post nor do I know what difference it is for the Hikikomori community to know whether a hiki has two or more accounts unless they were causing trouble. (which the post really didn’t clarify) Somehow though my name gets mentioned but I’m more pissed off at the way the author presented me as:

“They” seem to like Foolness (“they” follow his blog, Twitter, etc.) who has, or least had, a grudge towards me and HC staff, so they’d probably not reply.

For one thing I have a sensitive spot against people who misconstrue my words. However as a person who has problems conveying his intentions, I often give people a free pass (or insist them to clarify where the misunderstanding happens) but in this case not only was I accused of having held a grudge against someone but there was no link!

This doesn’t mean nothing happened and to those who missed it, all they need to do is to click on the Hikiculture tag in this blog to see what he’s reffering to and decide for themselves whether I hold a grudge or not but to me throwing out an offensive accusation in a way where a reader just has to accept a blog author’s “opinion” with no easy way to understand the relevance of those comments just reek of censorship and attempted revisionist conclusion. The thing that really sets me off though was the hypocrisy.

Apr 06, 2010 Pat Smith said… in this topic

Wasn’t sure if you’d bother checking.

I wanted to make sure you’d see my post.


If you check that link, you’ll see not only did Pat Smith from Hikiculture made a comment on a post I made and not only did I reply but the comment has nothing to do with the post I wrote so for this writer to suddenly imply that I won’t say anything when according to the HC blog it was written April 16, 2010 - it just crossed the line. It was utter hypocrisy. If I was considering commenting on that post initially, ahh… I just got so pissed off after reading it that I just wanted to ignore that post for fear that it would yet again be misconstrued into another Foolness attempting to flame Chair kind of attention whoring or something… (I didn’t actually know what the accusation against me was but in the earlier Hikiculture topics, when I was asking for clarification in the hiki section of AnonIB because of the things Chair wrote, the line of comments I got was along the line of “don’t make things worse” but the more frustrating thing was that when people searched for “Hikikomori StopGap” in a search engine, one of the top links would be one of the HikiCulture posts and I was worried it gave the impression that Hikikomories online bickered more against each other rather than talking about issues important to them.)

At the time though, all I was thinking that I was writing for Hikikomories and even if it wasn’t anything major that could change their lives, that was what kept me going despite the accusations. After all, I didn’t promise I could do anything major with this blog other than sharing my thoughts as an individual who is a hikikomori. This post though, it seems minor but I’m legitimately pissed off. More so than that, I feel trapped.

On one hand, I don’t think it’s my business. Preservative Woman and “…” can reply to that post and even if I wanted to reply, I don’t know the reality either. I don’t know those two people enough nor have I talked to them enough to have a sense of whether they are the same person. On the other hand, my silence seems to go against the transparency and openness I want readers to feel about this blog.

It’s obvious that there’s some indirect connection to me when the author writes:
I can’t see how her and Foolness formed their apparent friendship which would have been impossible through an anonymous “Chan” board like AnonIB.

Sure they can clarify how they know me or are friends with me without my input but if it isn’t clear enough, I value and emphasize looking through all perspectives of the related parties mainly because as someone who has a hard time communicating and interpreting signals back, sometimes that’s the only way to receive some clarity and some semblance of “truth” especially in the internet.

So I felt trapped. Not only because this was a minor issue to clarify from my side thus silence seems unnecessary but because I wasn’t going to keep readers from not knowing how the post affected me so I was obviously going to go off and make a longer post than I intended to. Worst, I get the sense that the author was merely baiting one of us three people to reply and by making a blog post rather than just a mere comment, I was increasing the popularity of said blog post. Even though this isn’t how it works and this is still a reply, I settled for the blog post because I want to feel like I’m sticking to my principles and not replying directly to the author but more to a reader who might wonder what my say in the post is.

In terms of friendship, I’m no more friends with Preservative Woman, “…” and other people than I am friends with Chair.The reality is that I rarely socialize with them and even in terms of online conversations, the volume of back and forth messages I have with any Hikikomori doesn’t compare with people I previously feel as online friends.

…and even that was way way in the past.This doesn’t seem I hate them or would ignore them but the reality is we don’t talk except on occasion.

Even when Preservative Woman was in AnonIB, if the archives is still there, you’ll see I rarely interacted with a specific user and made topics in general. How I ended up meeting Preservative Woman and how she probably followed my blog was because when I left AnonIB, she was one of the two commentors on my blog.

This was when I still didn’t have a Posterous blog and also the other commentor was an anon so that’s how we met each other: Her replying to my blog posts. Somewhere along that way, I got a Twitter account and she got a Twitter account and Twitter’s Direct Messaging became how she contacted me privately on occasion. (Like maybe she wanted to talk to me about something not related to my blog post or I wanted to contact her, that’s how we communicated.)

“…” on the other hand I met in Miu Nya’s Hiki-PhpBB forum. The irony was that we never talked to each other but I was always respected his/her posts in the forum because it was more related to Hikikomoris rather than social topics like Picture threads, favorite foods and the like.

I first primarily contacted him/her when he/she was planning to leave HF.Ironically at the time, I was just pming “…” as a way to keep him/her from leaving HF.

I think, as far as I remember, I wasn’t visiting HF for awhile and then when I was returning, he/she was planning to leave and I was sort of hoping they would stay. He/she ended up staying longer than I did. Even to the point that last I checked the topics, you would see his/her post warning people that the forum was sort of a ghost town or something like that. (I missed the big event where apparently there was a huge argument and the community split off and many felt alienated by each other.)

That was it. We never talked to each other ever again.Later when I was talking to Preservative Woman in Twitter, that’s how his/her name popped up again. At the time, I never knew the name translated to tententen and I think it was because Preservative Woman ended up using “…” instead of tententen that I realized who she meant.

Still at that time, we never talked or followed each other. Maybe I did after Twitter lists came out where I was adding a/an English-speaking Hikikomori list and only last month (I think) did he/she started following me. (Note: Twitter e-mails you if someone follows you so it’s not like I was monitoring him/her.) Well that’s pretty much from my perspective. Not alot of information but that’s all the info I have of them.



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5 Apr 2010

Comparing Yourself to Others: A Reply

The document is basically a black text/white background version of this. I’d upload that copy to Posterous but my color choices made my head ache.

This is just a rant that got too long to post directly and there’s really nothing else here. It is what it is.

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10 Sep 2009

Burb; Psychiatrist

happyharry78: What exactly is a "burb"

Tank-the-Hatchet: If you don`t know, your most likley are one. FR: A burb is someone like Mr. Rogers or Pollyanna or the ppl of Pleasantville before color came to town. PPL who work 9-5 jobs, beeing content in there hivementality and only carrying about cutting the lawn on Saturday. There expierences are restricted to shakeing there heads at the news every night and mubeling How evil and sick the world is.

happyharry78: (...) your nearest psychiatryst

Tank-the-Hatchet: I hate shrinks. There even worse then burbs. They only have there little slotboxworld and if they can`t fit you into one of these, then someting must be wrong with you. Any hint of indviuality and none-borg-obbidence to the masses makes you a danger to soceity and you need to be locked up in there POV.

They pretend to know everything in the world but in reality they don`t have a clue cause all they know about the world is from books.

Source: Flesh + Blood

Topic Title: I hate this movie

Source: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0089153/board/flat/39776781

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5 Sep 2009

OMG Socialism?!

Another reblog. From personal taste, I do consider this low in the witty scale by reddit standards but at the same time, politically speaking, I’m already biased against the idea of this post. Don’t want to start a political rant though and I just decided to reblog this as from a casual point of view, these posts written these way can still get one’s head thinking. Especially for those who like touting Hikikomoris as parasite singles.

sujay:

From Reddit:

This morning I was awoken by my alarm clock powered by electricity generated by the Public Power Monopoly regulated by the US Department of Energy. I then took a shower in the clean water provided by the Municipal Water Utility. After that, I turned on the TV to one of the FCC regulated channels to see what the National Weather Service of the National Oceanographic and Atmospheric Administration determined the weather was going to be like using satellites designed, built, and launched by the National Aeronautics and Space Administration. I watched this while eating my breakfast of US Department of Agriculture inspected food and taking the drugs which have been determined as safe by the Food and Drug Administration.

At the appropriate time as regulated by the US congress and kept accurate by the National Institute of Standards and Technology and the US Naval Observatory, I get into my National Highway Traffic Safety Administration approved automobile and set out to work on the roads build by the local, state, and federal Departments of Transportation, possibly stopping to purchase additional fuel of a quality level determined by the Environmental Protection Agency, using legal tender issued by the Federal Reserve Bank. On the way out the door I deposit any mail I have to be sent out via the US Postal Service and drop the kids off at the public school.

After spending another day not being maimed or killed at work thanks to the workplace regulations imposed by the Department of Labor and the Occupational Safety and Health Administration, enjoying another two meals which again do not kill me because of the USDA, I drive my NHTSA car back home on the DOT roads, to my house which has not burned down in my absence because of the state and local building codes and fire marshal’s inspection, and which has not been plundered of all it’s valuables thanks to the local Police Department.

I then log on to the internet which was developed by the Defense Advanced Research Projects Administration and post on freerepublic.com and Fox News forums about how SOCIALISM in medicine is BAD because the government can’t do anything right.

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4 Sep 2009

I’d like to see an advertising campaign built on such low expectations.

“Not as bad as you think!”

“Doesn’t suck all that much!”

“I enjoyed the sub-par picture!”

“The most barely adequate release I’ve seen in a long time!”

http://www.avsforum.com/avs-vb/showthread.php?p=17122404#post17122404

Full post:

What I find disconcerting about your post and others here, is the constant use of phrases like:

Not as bad as you say”.

I think your credibility goes out the window because you reveal yourself as someone who thinks “not that bad” is “good enough”.

I’d like to see an advertising campaign built on such low expectations.

“Not as bad as you think!”

“Doesn’t suck all that much!”

“I enjoyed the sub-par picture!”

“The most barely adequate release I’ve seen in a long time!”

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31 Aug 2009

This is why I don’t mind reading rants:

I can appreciate that painting someone as ignorant, narrow-minded, or generally lacking perspective is a tactic of debate, especially on message boards, because it’s a way of asserting yourself as an intellectual superior. But before, you accuse me of being an ‘idealistic moralizer’ consider the image that you might be projecting as someone who resorts to tired conventions of online arguments.

From an un-Hikikomori related topic in IMDB.

It’s still surprising how I can talk to people one on one on the internet and they would share something personal but then they would end it with something like “Nevermind. I’m just ranting now.”

The truth of the matter is that rants can be one of the most sincere and honest form of conveying yourself to another person.

Yes, if everyone tolerated every rant, we’d be knee-deep in emo mud but at the same time, to a person who really cares for the substance of what another person is saying — Rants mixed with reasoning can serve as the coup de grace to many doubts on how you feel about a topic.

It is the knife that slashes through the hypocrisy of the sounds coming out of our mouths we call “typing”. It is honest emotion sharpening honest emotion and it unintentionally produces the “grain of truth” that is often ignored and under-noticed when not said; but often becomes “stating the obvious” when unearthed and posted in all it’s simplistic but underrated glory.

In this case, this rant shows how easy it is to potshot people under the traditional rules of the internet. Most internet veterans know what I mean.

The usual “you’re banned from this forum due to flaming, trolling and spamming” was never good enough. Even an internet who read Flame Warriors know it’s not enough.

(Edit: even an internet newb)

The problem is that most internet admins and mods think it’s good enough. So much so that those who try to break the mold often resort to making “subjective” decisions and rules that often end up serving as the flip-toss for the quality of THEIR forum rather than setting up a new standard for people to follow.

The irony though is that by settling on the idea that the old rules are the basic rules and that anyone trying to change them is only being politically correct, the lack of renewed ethical perspective for this view has created the modern day internet version of the “Politically Corrects”.

One that is exclusive to the internet in that depending on what place and what culture you stumble on, you can be a troll for opposing someone’s view where as elsewhere you can go to hell and high water to become a troll — and you won’t get accused of trolling — while the frustrated victim ends up being called the troll and that’s if BOTH of you didn’t get punished. (For Christ’s sake people, trolling is not cannibalism or Saudi Arabian surprise sex! It’s not that confusing to know where the line is drawn.)

This has become a whole mish-mash of subjective nonsense that popular internet surfers like to excuse as proof for the “diversity” within the internet when in reality — like real life political correctness — it’s essentially just a monotonous, parodic,  predictable and conformistic-producing mindset that is keeping the internet from improving socially as it has technologically.

http://hikkikomori.tumblr.com/post/176494546/just-a-video-upload-connecting-to-a-recent-post-i

This; of course, extends beyond our tissues and is more of a general internet issue.

But as Internet Hikikomoris we have a special role in this ecosystem!

As a group we are composed of people who like to claim they are just suffering from social anxiety disorder while others want to claim we are doing this for a reason.

If you’re a neutral observer who stumbled upon our community though, would you say we were among the top eschelon for pioneering a better place for discussions over the internet? Even if you lower your standards to “Hikikomori 2 Hikkikomori” discussions?

No.

Even if you just narrowed it down to the ratio of polite users?

No. (Hell, there’s even a HikiCulture topic where some posters said they liked the smaller community because the PhpBB forum suddenly got ruder when a bunch of new posters came in.)

The bottomline, as it stands, is that we’re no better and no worse as a community than most other internet communities.

Now why is that bad?

Because most of us know and admit that we are socially unorthodox.

Now we can be socially unorthodox and accept most people’s assumptions that we are below average pathetic little social creatures or we can be socially unorthodox and use other people’s criticism of us as opportunities to make ourselves socially above average.

The dissenters might counter with the cliche “Why settle for those two choices?”

I would counter by saying it’s because we’re special that way that we can afford to have these two choices pushed against our faces and still be able to afford other choices.

This is nature’s way of asking whether we want to adapt (and accept that we are special) or conform (and accept that we are normal). This is where we as Hikikomoris in our baby form of a community decide whether we want to learn to walk faster than the rest of the babies or go back to being among those who crawl and hope by doing so, we can crawl just as fast as the average baby barring the few talented among us. This is our quest, our destiny to change

…and the crossroads we must make

…and the crossroads we must take

…AS a community

…and NO. I’m not saying we should be a group who becomes stricter with how we treat each other and better at filtering and separating the rude and inflexible ones from the polite and inflexible ones so that we may not start flame wars as much.

…I’m asking of us to push our group, our individual ethical standards and our community to become more accepting of diverse social interactions by being able to welcome both those who are rude and flexible and those who are polite and flexible so that we may start the breeding ground for a community that can be flexible yet intolerable to those who want to toe the line and pretend not to be trolls, flamers, potshotters, “etc. other Flame Warriors” and invoke rightful justice upon them while avoiding causing rightful injustice to the ones who don’t deserve such harsh punishments because we set a goal to be socially unorthodox rather than striving to be the social norm. (or below that.)

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27 Aug 2009

There used to be this poll on the AnonIB boards which I hated because I got the sense that the poster made it just for the sake of making a poll.
It was made even worse when it became one of the popular recent threads before the board went down. “Worse” in the sense that polls were often among the most useless but popular topics in any forum community — the fact that it holds true for one of the more well visited English speaking Hikkikomori boards symbolized to me the disappointing fact (at least as far as English speaking Hikkikomoris go) that being an online Hikikomori still has very little to do with being about Hikkikomoris but are just no different than being any random forum member except you write the word Hikki more.
This gets to me because I am not just a random poster on a random forum about a random subject that’s on the internet. I consider myself a Hikkikomori and when I see something as useless as an internet poll thread being valued alot by the likes of a community who claim “they hate their life so much but can’t do anything about it” or “they’re doing it for a path they believe in” to me this is like being an oppressed black man in a parallel universe where the internet as it is today existed during the American civil rights movements and seeing most people in there bumping up threads asking how long they were oppressed while threads discussing more important and urgent matters get ignored.
I’M NOT SAYING DON’T REPLY TO POLLS! Hell, I answered it too.
BUT!
Come on… You’re telling me as a group “Feel Good, Huggy Bear, Dig Dotting” questions that ain’t worth shit to most people gets us more talkative than topics concerning defining Hikkikomoris, finding solutions for social acceptance as a minority or discussing solutions for the Anxiety Based Hikkikomoris?!
Fuck!!! This is our identity we’re talking about here! You don’t just log off and become somebody else. You don’t just close the AnonIB tab or window and suddenly stop becoming Hikibeara. This isn’t Windows vs. Linux. You don’t get to go back roleplaying as Jeff Albertson for every “Internet Topic.Replied.”
You only stop being a Hikkikomori when you finally decide to or when you have been proven to not fit the definition.
…this hatred for it eventually made me go “Fuck! I might as well turn the data into a graph.” but then I realize; “Fuck, I don’t know how to turn it into a graph.”
So instead I just used Compendium and exported it as a jpg. I did make a topic over at Hikikomori PHPBB asking if anyone can be bothered to make a graph of the poll data.
This is just the answers for How Long were you a Hiki? though. I’m not really sure how to group the other answers just yet. (You could even say this image didn’t turn out so well as I had to fit the entries in ways to simulate a graph and this was just in dealing with numbers.)
Edit: sigh. Looks like the texts get muddied when uploading so I guess I’ll just have to drop this idea until I can find a better alternative.
Edit: Looks like the image wasn’t as unreadable after all. Here are the graphs offered by other Hikikomoris: http://hikkikomori.tumblr.com/post/175558740/how-long-have-you-been-a-hikikomori-graph

There used to be this poll on the AnonIB boards which I hated because I got the sense that the poster made it just for the sake of making a poll.

It was made even worse when it became one of the popular recent threads before the board went down. “Worse” in the sense that polls were often among the most useless but popular topics in any forum community — the fact that it holds true for one of the more well visited English speaking Hikkikomori boards symbolized to me the disappointing fact (at least as far as English speaking Hikkikomoris go) that being an online Hikikomori still has very little to do with being about Hikkikomoris but are just no different than being any random forum member except you write the word Hikki more.

This gets to me because I am not just a random poster on a random forum about a random subject that’s on the internet. I consider myself a Hikkikomori and when I see something as useless as an internet poll thread being valued alot by the likes of a community who claim “they hate their life so much but can’t do anything about it” or “they’re doing it for a path they believe in” to me this is like being an oppressed black man in a parallel universe where the internet as it is today existed during the American civil rights movements and seeing most people in there bumping up threads asking how long they were oppressed while threads discussing more important and urgent matters get ignored.

I’M NOT SAYING DON’T REPLY TO POLLS! Hell, I answered it too.

BUT!

Come on… You’re telling me as a group “Feel Good, Huggy Bear, Dig Dotting” questions that ain’t worth shit to most people gets us more talkative than topics concerning defining Hikkikomoris, finding solutions for social acceptance as a minority or discussing solutions for the Anxiety Based Hikkikomoris?!

Fuck!!! This is our identity we’re talking about here! You don’t just log off and become somebody else. You don’t just close the AnonIB tab or window and suddenly stop becoming Hikibeara. This isn’t Windows vs. Linux. You don’t get to go back roleplaying as Jeff Albertson for every “Internet Topic.Replied.”

You only stop being a Hikkikomori when you finally decide to or when you have been proven to not fit the definition.

…this hatred for it eventually made me go “Fuck! I might as well turn the data into a graph.” but then I realize; “Fuck, I don’t know how to turn it into a graph.”

So instead I just used Compendium and exported it as a jpg. I did make a topic over at Hikikomori PHPBB asking if anyone can be bothered to make a graph of the poll data.

This is just the answers for How Long were you a Hiki? though. I’m not really sure how to group the other answers just yet. (You could even say this image didn’t turn out so well as I had to fit the entries in ways to simulate a graph and this was just in dealing with numbers.)

Edit: sigh. Looks like the texts get muddied when uploading so I guess I’ll just have to drop this idea until I can find a better alternative.

Edit: Looks like the image wasn’t as unreadable after all. Here are the graphs offered by other Hikikomoris: http://hikkikomori.tumblr.com/post/175558740/how-long-have-you-been-a-hikikomori-graph

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