25 Jun 2010
(Old) Being exasperated with people who just don’t listen -> politically correct copy-paste version
Personally, these aren’t much help to me and I constantly break them but they are a set of good reminders nevertheless:Don’t take negative comebacks to heart.
Seek the middle way.
Do not confuse criticism with insults.
Should statements.
Remind yourself that you don’t need anyone’s approval.
Know your emotions.
See it as an opportunity to improve — and without that constant improvement, we are just sitting still.
Be the better person.
Understand that it’s not you, it’s them.
It is not easier to avoid life’s difficulties and responsibilities than to face them.
Protect your self-esteem.
Guard against anger.
You should care if you offend someone.
Realize that impossible people engage in projection.
People with anti-social personality disorders lack the capacity for a conscience and thus have no sense of right and wrong except for how to get what they want. Politically Incorrect Version Found Here (Forum Thread) - http://hikikomori.createmybb3.com/showthread.php?tid=49&pid=168#pid168 (If the title sounds off, it’s because this is an old finished draft post I just never posted but the forum thread was recent. I’m not even sure I didn’t post this before but Posterous search box shows nothing so I probably haven’t posted this at all. Also please keep in mind that Wikis are constantly being re-edited and I didn’t recheck the links) Sources:Note that I don’t find these articles worthwhile on their own which is why I chopped up the contents and combined them into the above. http://www.wikihow.com/Be-Assertive-Without-Being-Arrogant http://www.wikihow.com/Gain-Control-of-Your-Emotions http://www.wikihow.com/Stop-Taking-Things-Personallyhttp://www.wikihow.com/Accept-Criticism-With-Grace-and-Appreciation http://www.wikihow.com/Deal-With-Impossible-Peoplehttp://www.wikihow.com/Communicate-in-an-Assertive-Manner
When you are faced with one of life’s more challenging personalities, the best thing to do is to not take it personally. Sometimes it is your self-assurance that is a cause of irritation for less secure people and their response is to try and weevil their way in through criticism. This is never a reason to fall back into old patterns of unhealthy communication styles. Simply reassert whatever your point is and choose to leave it there. It is something they can work on with the full enlightenment on where you stand.
Seek the middle way.
Sometimes if you’re placed in a position of having to choose between differing viewpoints in a group, there might be accusations of arrogance against one division by the other. Always consider the possibility of being able to acknowledge both sides of the argument and finding the middle way to draw the concerns together. You don’t necessarily have to solve the situation but you can be a powerful facilitator to the group finding an answer to its division through your assertive communications. In such situations, inform everyone that the situation is not one for blame, not one for recriminations, and not one for finding fault. Instead, help people to see that there is a chance for compromise by showing them where each has made assumptions about the other or the facts of the situation, while still upholding your own belief or opinion. And suggest that they have another look at things to reach a compromise.
Do not confuse criticism with insults.
Insults are ad hominem (personal conflict like off-topic descriptions of a person) but criticism may change your life for the better because you may use it to redirect your communication and efforts. Stay engaged and active while not allowing the criticism to stagnate you, but use the stirring-up to prompt a flow of more appropriate inputs and outputs…
Should statements.
You beat up on yourself as a way of getting motivated to do something. You “should” do this, you “must” do this, you “ought” to do this, and so on. This doesn’t make you want to do it, it only makes you feel guilty. When you direct should statements toward others, you feel anger, frustration, and resentment.
Remind yourself that you don’t need anyone’s approval.
If you’re especially sensitive to people’s behavior towards you, to the extent that you regularly overreact, it might be because you’ve got a strong radar for rejection. If you pick up on any kind of displeasure, you worry that you’re doing something wrong, and you want to fix it eagerly, anxiously. But just because someone isn’t happy with you doesn’t mean you’ve done something wrong. In many cases, it means that person isn’t happy with themselves, and expects you to fill in the blanks (which is impossible).
Know your emotions.
When our ancestors encountered an enemy or a wild animal on a jungle trail, there were only a limited number of things they could do. They could fight, run away, become paralyzed with indecision, or give up. Each of these responses matches the four emotions just mentioned. But in the much more complicated jungle of modern life, these emotions are often no longer useful, and may actually do us a great deal of harm.
See it as an opportunity to improve — and without that constant improvement, we are just sitting still.
Improvement is a good thing. For example, this criticism: “You write about the same things over and over and your blog posts are boring and stale”, can be read: “I need to increase the variety of my posts and find new ways of looking at old things.” That’s just one example of course — you can do that with just about any criticism. Sometimes it’s just someone having a bad day, but many times there’s at least a grain of truth in the criticism.
Be the better person.
Too many times we take criticism as a personal attack, as an insult to who we are. But it’s not. Well, perhaps sometimes it is, but we don’t have to take it that way. Take it as a criticism of your actions, not your person. If you do that, you can detach yourself from the criticism emotionally and see what should be done. But the way that many of us handle the criticisms that we see as personal attacks is by attacking back. “I’m not going to let someone talk to me that way.” Especially if this criticism is made in public, such as in the comments of a blog or on a forum. You have to defend yourself, and attack the attacker … right? Wrong. By attacking the attacker, you are stooping to his level. Even if the person was mean or rude, you don’t have to be the same way. You don’t have to commit the same sins. Be the better person.
Understand that it’s not you, it’s them.
This can be surprisingly difficult, considering that impossible people have complete mastery of blaming skills. If you’re dealing with an impossible person, you’re probably being told on a regular basis that every conceivable thing is your fault. It isn’t. As the saying goes, “It takes two to tango.” Chances are, the more often they blame you, the more they themselves are actually at fault. Keep in mind that this is not to be used as a way to blame them. Blaming is what impossible people do, and they do it well. Instead, you are only facing the facts, for your own sake. That being said, here’s a simple way to tell: If you accept responsibility for your own faults and resolve to improve yourself, it’s probably not you. Remember, impossible people can do no wrong.
It is not easier to avoid life’s difficulties and responsibilities than to face them.
Even painful experiences, once we can get through them, can serve as a basis for learning and future growth.
Protect your self-esteem.
If you have regular dealings with someone who tries to portray you as the source of all evil, you need to take active steps to maintain a positive self-image. Remind yourself that this person’s opinion is not necessarily the truth. Understand that oftentimes, impossible people are particularly “fact-challenged.” If the attacks have little basis in raw fact, dismiss them. You can’t possibly be as bad as this person would like you to believe you are. Do not defend yourself out loud, however. It will only provoke the impossible person into another tirade.
Guard against anger.
If it helps, consider the fact that your anger is actually a precious gift to the impossible person. Anything you do or say while angry will be used against you over and over again. Impossible people tend to have amazing memories, and they will not hesitate to use a nearly endless laundry list of complaints from the past against you. Five years from now, you could be hearing about the angry remark you made today (which you didn’t even mean in the first place). Impossible people will seize anything that provides them the opportunity to lay blame like it was gold.
You should care if you offend someone.
You should care for others’ feelings but in a positive way, not in a way which weakens you. There is no problem if you hesitate to say something because you do not want to hurt the listener, but if your hesitation is due to fear and not because of genuine sympathy for the listener, then you need to work on overcoming this negative trait within you.
Realize that impossible people engage in projection.
Understand that you are going to be accused of much (or all) of this behavior yourself. If your impossible person gets a look at this text, to them it will look like a page about you. Prepare yourself for the fact that the impossible person’s flaws and failings will always be attributed to you. Remember, in their minds, you are at fault for everything! They will have an endless supply of arguments to support this, and if you make the mistake of encouraging them, they will be more than happy to tell you why you are the impossible person, and how ironic it is that you are under the mistaken impression that it is them.
People with anti-social personality disorders lack the capacity for a conscience and thus have no sense of right and wrong except for how to get what they want.
But they are not always to be found in prisons. They are often very charming people, and make great salespersons — or politicians. Some of them can be very good at it, and they just might end up as elected officials or the CEOs of major corporations. Often times they are also exceptionally intelligent.
